Dan O'Brien Alert #5

Dan submitted for a role in the Vegas Cirque du Soleil show LOVE. Here's his submission video....and I'm in it too!

See the Sites

Here are some websites that I love and thought you might enjoy:

www.WomenBeTrippin.com

My friend, Jake, and two of his buddies created a site to explore why women are crazy. Sometimes, I must admit, we really, really are. If you need a laugh, go here.

www.SarahRhoadsPhoto.SquareSpace.com

This is a blog created by a husband and wife photography team based out of Seattle that shoots (among other things) engagement and wedding photos. Their stuff is beautiful and Sarah's music taste is awesome. If you need to see some pretty photos, go here.

www.Myspace.com/BeerAndTacos

My brother, Sean, ROCKS and his music is even better. He has been playing guitar since we were little kids and he is a constant source of inspiration for me. If you need to have your mind blown, go here.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

It feels like everyone in the world has already read this book and I’m happy to say that I’ve finally joined the club! Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff is a fantastic book by Richard Carlson about finding inner peace by keeping little things from taking over your life. The author provides 100 ways to calm down and learn to put things in perspective by making small daily changes.

I gobbled up everything he wrote about and was inspired to change my thought processes instantly, but I think Point #54 resonated the most, so I wanted to share it with you…

54. UNDERSTAND THE STATEMENT, “WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE”
(This is the title of another book that I’ve also heard of, but never read)

The author explains that a common obstacle along the path to inner peace is our tendency to believe that if we were somewhere else – on vacation, with another partner, in a different career, a different home, a different circumstance – somehow we would be happier and more content. In reality, we wouldn’t! He explains, “The truth is, if you have destructive mental habits – if you get annoyed and bothered easily, if you feel angry and frustrated a great deal of the time, or if you’re constantly wishing things were different, these identical tendencies will follow you, wherever you go.”

My brain does this a lot. I often find myself ragging on Los Angeles and thinking that if I just lived in a different city, my life might be better, or if I finally went to grad school, I’d feel more accomplished, or if I worked in a different industry, I’d meet “better” people…this kind of wishful thinking can snowball in my brain endlessly. After reading this book and devoting some time to self reflection about my own thought processes, I’ve realized that the more I focus on being ok with where I am (instead of where I’d rather be), the more at peace I am with myself.

The author goes on to say, “Someone once asked me, ‘What are people like in California?’ I asked him, ‘What are people like in your home state?’ He replied, ‘Selfish and greedy.’ I told him that he would probably find the people in California to be selfish and greedy.”

This concept has really turned my thinking upside down. I hope that I can move forward feeling empowered by the knowledge that my attitude towards my surroundings and the people that I interact with will directly affect my experiences and my happiness with my current place in life.

Why?

Why do I love the show, Jon & Kate Plus 8 so much? I don't watch very much tv, but now that I have the DVR thing, I can't get enough of this show. It's about a husband and wife who have two sets of multiples: twins and sextuplets. Each episode is about something pretty basic..."Twins Turn 7," "Beach Trip," "Housekeeper Hunt" and so on. Sounds boring, but I swear it is the greatest show ever. I know every child's name. I even know their birth order. Am I just weird? What is it about this show that makes it so captivating?


(A FEW DAYS LATER)

Ok, so it's a few days after I started writing this entry. Since then, I've spent some time online researching the show and what people think about it. I was sad to find that there are some rumors (which seem pretty legit) that Kate is a psycho who has hired hands all over the place, cooking organic meals, folding laundry, playing with the kids, etc. That ruins the entire show! You're supposed to believe that they're a struggling family, but they're not and now I am upset.

There is really no purpose to this entry, I just wanted you to know that my Jon & Kate Plus 8 bubble burst.

Barnstormers Promo!

Here's the video I just made for the camp!!!!

These are a few of my favorite things!

I can't focus at all today. Work is not an option. So, I've decided to write a list of things that I like:

1. Popping those plastic packing bubbles that you use to protect glass.
2. Picking wax off of candlestick holders. Also, pouring glue on your fingers, letting it dry and then picking it off. Also, sticking fingers in hot wax, letting the wax dry even though it burns and then picking it off.
3. Partially melted rocky road ice cream.
4. Getting out of the pool and lying on really hot concrete.
5. Christmas time in Seattle (think chai tea and freezing ferries).
6. Lightning and thunder when you're inside....rain too.
7. Bonfires/campfires of any kind, especially with guitars and good friends.
8. Post-it notes, paper clips, file folders, to-do lists and other organizer-type items that are arguably unnecessary.
9. Playing board games with wine. Well, with people...People that are drinking wine.
10. Ipod shuffles that fit my mood perfectly.
11. Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds. I could eat that for every meal, every day for the rest of my life.
12. Meeting inspiring people who are passionate about what they do.
13. Listening to my brother play guitar.
14. Long walks leading to farmer's markets.
15. Blogging at work.

Dan O'Brien Alert #4

Dan O'Brien ACTUALLY checked my facebook profile today. I had to tell him how to do it, but it happened all the same.

Bad Apple

Matt Damon talks about Palin....

Trim a little off the top

My hang up with plastic surgery is that it feels like cheating. When you're born, you are dealt certain cards and that should be IT. You shouldn't get to trade in a few of them to make your hand better...that is CHEATING. People should be learning to love their bodies exactly the way that they are. If they DON'T, they should be using the money they would have spent on surgery to see a therapist. Doesn't the desire to risk your life in order to fit social standards of beauty ("feel better about yourself" as many say) indicate that there's something emotionally wrong with you?

"I'm doing this for me...because I want to feel better about myself." A lot of women use these lines to pretend (to others and probably to themselves as well) that they don't care what other people think about their bodies. Bullllllllshit. That just cannot be true. Of COURSE you care about what other people think, are you superhuman? Even the most emotionally stable and confident people care at least a little about how they are perceived by others. Take apart that statement, "I want to feel better about myself"...Your solution to this problem is to lie down on a table, fall into a drug induced coma and allow a perfect stranger to take a knife to your FACE and BOOBS??? Aren't there less life-threatening ways to feel better about yourself?

Forget RISK, I haven't even gotten into why plastic surgery is absurd in terms of pure COST. (I know I am getting riled up when the caps lock comes in). Nose jobs cost anywhere from $3,000-$8,000. Breast Augmentation: $4,000. Liposuction: $8,000. Facelift= $9,000. Are you kidding me? Use that money to get a massage and read a good self-help book! Afterwards, you'll have a lot left over to use to, I don't know, make the world a better place? ANYTHING would be more worthwhile.

To be fair, I admit that I've thought about what fun it would be to change certain things about my body, but then I stop taking CRAZY LADY DRUGS and remember that the way I feel about myself on the outside is a direct reflection of how healthy I am on the inside.

Palin? Really?

Here are some fun facts about McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin:

1. She thinks global warming is a hoax
2. She supports the teaching of creationism in public schools
3. She's opposed to abortion, even in the case of rape and incest
-member of Feminists for Life of America (largest and most visible
pro-life feminist organization)
4. In July of this year, she asked CNBC anchor Larry Kudlow, "What is it exactly that the vice president does all day?"
5. She strongly promoted oil and natural gas resource development in Alaska and supports the drilling of Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Reserve
6. In May 2008, she objected to the decision to list polar bears as an endangered species. (I just wanted to include that one because I like polar bears)
7. She supports the death penalty
8. She opposes same-sex marriage (she supported the 1998 constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage)
9. She is a life member of the National Rifle Association, and is popular among gun rights activists

If you ask me, McCain's got a winner on his hands.

Obamarama

Michelle Obama's speech was phenomenal. She gives me hope.

Um...

can't stop smiling... :-)

Too quiet

So I was alllll excited for today because it's the first day off that I've had in a while, but now that it's here, I kind of hate it. I feel like I am going through withdrawal. I miss the screaming and the crying and the laughing and the questions. It's really weird. A camper called me today and I was so excited just to talk to her. Now I am lying on the couch in our living room and I've run out of things to do online. Thankfully, we have load-in for another show tomorrow. Soooo, it's back to the theatre I go.

Would You Rather...

Tomorrow is the last day of camp. I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry....
I think my favorite camper quotes happened today in the car while Andrew (a counselor) and I were driving the kids home....

Camper: Would you rather...lick peanut butter off a hobo's foot...or kiss Andrew??
(Andrew and I look @ each other - ARE THOSE COMPARABLE?!)

Camper: Would you rather...eat a raw egg OR sleep with your ex-boyfriend?
Me (thinking): YOU ARE 9 YEARS OLD!

Camper (to Andrew): Would you rather...kiss a boy or...eat a smashed up face?

Dan O'Brien Alert #3

Camper: Where does Dan live?
Me: Near the theatre.
Camper: Where does Culli live?
Me: With Dan.
Campers in unison: Ewwww...I bet their house smells like armpits!!!!

I Heart La Quinta

Lots of sun and a pool filled with bathwater....

Reading....

...until it was too hot to sit down....

Overall, a pretty sweet 4th of July :-)

Can't.... Sleep....

I have to wake up in less than six hours to go pick up the kids, but I can't force myself to fall asleep. I've tried pretty much everything. When I can't sleep, I usually check my email 86 times, close my computer, read, check my email again, close my computer, lie in bed thinking of everything I have to do tomorrow and concentrating on not checking my email again.

Today I interviewed each camper so that I could compile bios for their show program. My 3 questions:

1. What is an interesting/fun fact about you? My favorite answers included, "I am smart because I know a lot of things" (6 yr old)..."I was born good at math" (8 yr old) and "I think I will turn into a werewolf when I turn 13" (other 6 yr old).

2. What's your favorite thing about camp? "The counselors are pretty and handsome"..."Camp is a place where people respect me" (I am not making that quote up!)..."I get to pretend to be someone else for a while"....."My favorite thing about camp is Werewolf Boy!" (same 6 yr old above who thinks one of our counselors is a werewolf because he is hairy)

3. Who would you like to thank? "My baby turtle"

Willy, Charlie & Veruca

Tomorrow (or today actually) we will tell the kids what part they will be playing. I really hope nobody cries!

An Aching Kind of Growing...

I just read a really interesting passage in East of Eden that reminded me of something I distinctly remember going through as a child.

When a child first catches adults out - when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just - his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again: they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.

I'm not sure exactly when it was that I realized this, but the feeling was very distinct and stuck with me. One random day, something made me realize that the adults in my life were not the all-knowing, super-human people that I always thought they were. I suddenly knew that there would not be a specific time/date when I would become an adult and I became very sad. It is a painful process to grow up and thinking about this only makes me worry more about our campers, who probably came to this realization much earlier in life than I did. I guess knowing the truth is a good thing, but neverthelss, it makes me sad to think about what a shortened childhood some of these kids have.

Please no!

Touch my body
Put me on the floor
Wrestle me around
Play with me some more
Touch my body
Throw me on the bed
I just wanna make you feel
Like you never did.
Touch my body
Let me wrap my thighs
All around your waist
Just a little taste
Touch my body
Know you love my curves
Come on and give me what I deserve
And touch my body.

8 year olds in the camp sing these Mariah Carey lyrics at the top of their lungs. SERIOUSLY??

I wish today was tomorrow.

If today was tomorrow, I'd be done with the first day of camp and I'd be so much more at ease! I keep writing to-do lists, checking them off and then making more to-do lists. The only box left to check is "Do the first day of camp." What a beautiful box that will be to check.

I never realized as a kid how nervous my teachers must have been on the first day of school. I always thought it was only nerve-racking for the kids, but the teacher's the one who has to make everybody comfortable and happy. It's stressful!

I just hope that everything goes well, the kids get up in time for their carpool, enjoy the camp and go home safely.

FINGERS CROSSED!

My Super Sweet Sixteen...

...super friggin sucks. I used to think that show was amusing, but now it just makes me sick. I saw the end of an episode today and the birthday boy received a $16,000 check and an Escalade. $16,000???? That is almost HALF of what I make in an entire year. The kid barely even smiled when he got it. My friend suggested that they alter the show so that they get a huge Sweet Sixteen party and then they have to serve in the Army or the Peace Corps for two years afterwards. I'd watch that show.

Dan O'Brien Alert #2 (I swore I would keep this up and I will deliver on that promise)

Here are three interesting facts about my favorite Irish man:

1. He does not like beans and usually won't eat them
2. He is full of strange facts, which he whips out at even stranger times (He knows every movie that Edward Furlong was in!)
3. He thinks friendship is solidified when you can fart in someone's face.

Dan O'Brien Alert #1

Today, we discovered that Dan O'Brien is a "very sexy man".......check out this review:

http://stagescenela.com/html/blowin_of_baile_gall.html

Seattle Sasquatch Extravaganza

A few weekends ago I went to an amazing music festival at the Gorge near Seattle with the lovely Pamela. It was a beautiful summer day and it made me miss Washington so much. We got to see Beirut, The Fleet Foxes, The New Pornographers, Dave Bazan (but only from afar between New Porno's set), M.I.A. and Okkervil River. The best act by far was Okkervil River (you can kind of see them in the pic below).

They completely rocked out and the entire audience was jumping around and singing along. The National was supposed to play, but their bus broke down on the way to the festival so they had Rainn Wilson come and talk to the audience for a few minutes instead. During the concert, we sat behind this girl who spent the entire show digging in her boyfriend's face. I am not kidding, she was digging around his face while he was just casually talking about something. This went on for hours. They practically never sat up to see the acts....she just dug around for hours.
Pam and I took off before Modest Mouse and REM because we're not huge fans and we wanted to beat the traffic, which was a reallllllly good idea in the end because it started to rain and the scary-dark drive back to Seattle took about 3 hours. Overall, I had such a good time. I wish Seattle was closer!

You're jealous.

Since working in theatre I have learned how to make the following things:

1. fake hardwood floors
2. a wood dinosaur body
3. a bed that turns into a bookshelf
4. a life-sized corpse

Useful info, no?

Back to our roots...

Sean and I recorded a Woodie Guthrie song together last week late at night. We got a little Texas in there so I thought you might enjoy. Here it is:

White Gold is White Gold

Milk consumption fell 14 percent between 1981-2006 and as a result, the California Milk Processor Board (GOT MILK? people) recently launched a new ad campaign featuring sexy rockstar beast, White Gold. He is officially my husband.





The aim is to get more adolescents to drink milk instead of less nutritious options like juice and soda. I'm not sure how effective this ad campaign will be, but it's hilarious and at least it'll make more people want to play a milk guitar, which is fantastic.

A lie is a lie!

A very outspoken, Catholic acquaintance of mine forwarded me an email the other day entitled "Planned Parenthood Racism." The body of the email said:

You've got to see this and talk to your friends about it!!!


The video features a number of people speaking in Washington, D.C. at some sort of rally about defunding Planned Parenthood. If you don't feel like watching it, here's an extremely short summary:

1. The video begins with Kristan Hawkins (Students for Life of America), who talks about an incident in which an actor pretending to be racist called the Planned Parenthood Director of Development in Idaho, offered to contribute to the organization and said (among other things), “The less black kids, the better” (implying that he wanted his money to go towards black abortions). The director responded, “Understandable, understandable.”

Hawkins describes a similar conversation between an actor and an administrative assistant at a Planned Parenthood in Ohio, in which the employee responded, “For whatever reason, we will accept the money.”

2. Hawkins goes on to say that the founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger, stated in 1939, “We don’t want the word to get out that we want to exterminate the Negro population.” (Whoa!)

The next clip shows Rev. Clenard Childress demanding the firing of these Planned Parenthood employees. (Right on, these people SHOULD be fired).

3. Dr. Lillie Epps wraps up the video with her “Angry Black Woman” diatribe that I personally find pointless. She starts off by saying that she got an abortion at age 26 in the Planned Parenthood directly behind the podium where she stands. She goes on to say that she got her second abortion in the same location. Halfway into her speech she describes a conversation during which a Planned Parenthood employee said, “We’re going to take care of that problem for you and after today, you won’t have to worry about that problem anymore.”
She concludes with, “A lie is a lie! I don’t care how you dress it up! There have been lies told here across America in millions of Planned Parenthoods. If we don’t stop abortion in the African American community, we will not have a generation to come.”

Here are a few things that bother me about this video and this entire argument (the numbers match the sections above – oh how organized I am!):

1. As an employee of a nonprofit, I have a pretty good understanding of the obstacles that these organizations face in terms of funding. What I know is that more than half of what you do as an employee of a nonprofit is fundraise. Trust me, you shouldn’t work for a nonprofit if you want to live comfortably. They are always struggling for financial support, whether they’ve been around for 1 year or 100 years. Duh, they are not-for-profit. To call a nonprofit and offer to donate a large sum of money as a trick is just cruel. They’re going to take it whether you’re loony or not, because you know what? They need it! AND, they can pretty much do whatever they want with that money. So when a guy calls up, talking nonsense about donating money in order to have less black kids, I would HOPE that they would take that asshole’s money. We don’t want a racist guy like that running around with thousands of dollars to spare, who knows what he would do with it! The Planned Parenthood employees that Hawkins mentions should have put that “racist” in his place, but I don’t think they were wrong to accept the money…just wrong for holding their tongues.
2. Important Side Note - I have concluded that Margaret Sanger (Planned Parenthood founder) is immensely messed up and I am glad she is dead. Upon further investigation, I uncovered a lot about this crazy lady. Namely, that she was a lunatic eugenicist who, according to a study by the Life Research Institute, wrote a book called The Pivot Civilization in which she called for the elimination of human weeds: "for the cessation of charity, for the segregation of morons, misfits, and maladjusted," and for the sterilization of "genetically inferior races." So I learned something today. The founder of Planned Parenthood was ridiculously racist and it is very likely that she created Planned Parenthood with the goal of eliminating a number of minority groups. My questions is: Does Margaret Sanger’s eugenicist agenda define Planned Parenthood today, 70 years later? I honestly don’t know, but I hope not. This might call for another blog when I have the energy…
3. Dr. Lillie Epps’ speech got me fired up. This woman chose to have an abortion…TWICE. Even after feeling the emotional effects of the first abortion, she went and got another one. She tries to say that Planned Parenthood guaranteed that all her problems would go away, but didn’t she find out this wasn’t true after her first go-around? The fact that she is black has nothing to do with her decision to abort two fetuses. She is an adult and she should act like one. On another note, I agree with what I think Epps is trying to say (though she doesn't quite articulate it) in the sense that I think Planned Parenthood should make a concerted effort to educate young women about the devastating emotional effects of abortion. Ultimately though Epps, you got pregnant, you got an abortion, you deal with the effects.
4. To tag on to the last point, what really angers me is that this video is quite obviously an anti-abortion rant fest that latched on to a weak argument against Planned Parenthood. I am hesitant to conclude that Planned Parenthood is racist because 3 ignorant people responded poorly to prank calls and the founder was a flat-out psycho. Maybe it’s true (I sincerely hope not), but their arguments have so many holes, it just seems like they’re fishing for a way to say what they really mean, which is: I don’t like abortion (though, I might get one or two now and then).

I’ll end by saying that I am pro-choice (in case you’re wondering). If I were to get pregnant today, however, I would not get an abortion. That’s how I roll. It has to do with my own preferences and my basic understanding of the emotional effects of the procedure. Many of my friends and family are pro-life so I understand the arguments and I even agree with a number of the key points. That said, I value the right for a woman to choose what she does with her body too much to be swayed to the other side. Ultimately, it was an interesting email that provided for a pleasant night in a coffee shop.

Thoughts?

Can't Sleep!

So many couples that I meet depress me. The girls are always nagging the guys and the guys always seem annoyed. Why would you stay in a relationship like that?! There is this particularly naggy couple that I know and I always wonder what they were like when they first met because they don't seem to love each other at all, they don't even seem to LIKE each other. It's sad to think that long ago when they didn't know each other or live together, he was charming and she was sweet and then once they got together, they stopped giving a shit and realized they didn't have to be nice anymore because the whole game was over and they started incessantly nagging each other. It is so depressing. I know a bunch of couples like that too. It's so unnecessary. BREAK UP! Do better!

I can't sleep at all. ever. it sucks.

I worked on the world's WORST staged reading today. I am serious, this show had absolutely no plot and no point. Most of the dialogue was on cell phones. I wanted to shoot myself. I felt embarrassed to be alive...that's how bad it was.

Now I can't sleep and it's killing me because I am really really tired, but my mind won't stop.

I HATE Wednesdays

I cannot handle Wednesday nights. I think I need to sign up for a class or make sure to work late or take a lot of drugs because Wednesday nights are the bane of my existence right now.

Maybe this will become my new time for writing long-winded blogs that nobody actually reads! HOORAY!

Right now I am sitting on the couch with my roommate's boyfriend watching SuperNanny. Yeah, that's right, you're jealous. I'm the craziest 24 year old in town - it's all about booze and sex for me.

Farewell Facebook

So I de-activated my facebook a few weeks ago. It feels so good! I had been thinking about doing it for awhile, but kept putting it off. It was only when I realized how much time I was wasting debating whether or not I should de-activate, that I realized I should not have to think this hard about a stupid website! So I quit. (Actually, Dan owns my profile, but it's basically the same). Hooray for shaking bad habits!

When it rains, it pours

I feel like I am pretty good at counting my blessings, but I just have to say that 2008 has not been treating me well so far!

Get ready for an extremely long sentence:
First, I deal with the end of yet another relationship, which is just annoying and takes more time than I want/should be necessary, then I take on WAY too much at work to compensate for said end of relationship, which makes me horribly sleep deprived and out of shape so that I can barely drive straight, during which time, I have major surgery on my head to remove five cists (for some unknown reason, I assume this won't be a big deal because, well, I AM RETARDED) and I am knocked out for a solid week (shocker!) because the staples in my head are so tight that I can't lie down for more than two hours to sleep, during which time, the incisions get infected, which knocks me out for a few more weeks, all of this while still working 8am - 1am every day, which is more than I've ever worked in my life. THEN just as things start looking a little better and the head wounds are graduating from "infected" to "inflamed" and my sexy bald spots begin to appear (really boosting my confidence in the relationship department), weird situations develop at work, which are super distracting and not for online sharing, but nonetheless, lead to the decision to move away from the girls I've lived with for over 4 years, which might not sound that stressful, but that's probably because you don't know how poor I am, living on my own is definitely not a small undertaking, then to top allllll of that off, tonight I got MUGGED.

Yep, that's right. I got mugged. I was walking to my car behind the theatre after having coffee with a volunteer for the summer camp and heard someone running really fast behind me and saw a shadow on the wall. In the split second before he touched me, I thought, "Shit. This is what it's like to get mugged." And then I did. He grabbed my arm and swung me in a circle about three times, threw me on the ground and then ran off with my purse, wallet and cell phone. The whole time I was yelling "No" in a voice that didn't sound like mine and afterwards I was shaking like a leaf.

So basically, that's been my year so far. Despite all of this, I know how good I have it and I am so thankful for the things that I have and my wonderful family, but SERIOUSLY....CUT A BALD GIRL A BREAK!

"You cannot see your reflection in running water, only in still water"

Lately, I've been thinking a lot lately about myself spiritually...yeah? What? Anyway, it's strange to say "spiritually" because I haven't thought about where I stand in that arena for a long time...but I am reading an interesting memoir and spending a lot of time at home (with staples in my head!), so I've been doing some thinking.

Everything began when I read this passage (and then the pages following): "I'm tired of being a skeptic, I'm irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God." When I read that, I thought, "Excluding the last sentence, that's how I feel!" That's when I got to thinking...

As a kid, I considered myself religious and I very much believed in God. I went to a Christian camp in Arkansas and there were moments there where I truly and deeply felt a connection to what I thought to be God. As I grew older, my faith wavered. I enjoyed Youth Group and I went to church, but I began to doubt things that I had always accepted to be true without question. College was a major turning point. I basically decided that religion was bullshit - God was invented to make people feel better about their shitty lives- I was done. I was almost embarrassed to talk about faith, fearing that I would appear brain-washed or stupid or naive. I still feel that way today.

Over the past few months though (and realistically, probably longer than that), I've realized that I have an overwhelming and powerful desire to believe in something and the desire won't go away. I don't know what that "something" is and I'm not even suggesting that it is God, but I feel that I need something to believe in if I am ever going to find true happiness. Whether that be God or love or sacred cows, it doesn't seem to matter at this point.

I haven't finished the book yet, but I think the author is ultimately saying that we find God within ourselves. She literally says, "God dwells within you as you yourself, exactly the way you are." I think that the more I think about it, the more I agree. When I sit in my bed, about to go to sleep and I write in my journal, I'm really sitting down to ask questions of myself....to challenge my own thoughts....to calm my heart and comfort my soul before I have to start another day. My parents taught me that God existed to walk beside me...to guide me through the light and dark. Really, I am my own guide. I know it sounds SO extremely cheesy, and maybe even obvious, but I am. And I don't have to make some massive, dramatic change of character or renounce my individuality in order to find a "God" or to find a specific something to believe in. If I just sit quietly and really think about it, I think I've already found it.

It's been a while...

I haven't written in a long time, but I recently read something that I feel like talking about and since I don't feel like working today, I might as well.

I recently spent a rainy Sunday with my mom and little brother and came across a book called This I Believe. It's a compilation of essays from a program on NPR, which encourages people to write, share and discuss the core values that guide their daily lives. The project is based on the popular 1950s radio series of the same name hosted by Edward R. Murrow. Anyway, as I flipped through the book, which I later purchased, I came across one particular essay by Deirdre Sullivan that meant a lot to me. Here it is:

Always Go to the Funeral

I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that.

The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. "Dee," he said, "you're going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family."

So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson's shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, "Sorry about all this," and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson's mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes.

That was the first time I went un-chaperoned, but my parents had been taking us kids to funerals and calling hours as a matter of course for years. By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. I remember two things from the funeral circuit: bottomless dishes of free mints and my father saying on the ride home, "You can't come in without going out, kids. Always go to the funeral."

Sounds simple -- when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral. That, I can do. But I think a personal philosophy of going to funerals means more than that.

"Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.

In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.

On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.


After reading the essay twice, I was crying and I didn't really know why. I don't know if being selfish is a prerequisite for being in your early 20's, but it certainly seems like it lately. I include myself in this criticism. I'm so saddened by selfishness and I can't decide if it's the industry I'm in, the city or the people I choose to be around. I guess all I can do is surround myself with good, loving people and it's something I haven't been doing lately.