Darby Downer

I recently went to a party and had a pretty long conversation with a girl who is currently a sophomore in college. We talked about the usual stuff like jobs, majors, our goals, etc etc…..all the stuff you always feel like you need to say when you initially meet someone. It was a pretty normal interaction, nothing out of the ordinary, but for some reason, I can’t get the conversation out of mind.

She was talking about all of her plans for the future – she wants to go abroad for this amount of time and study in Washington D.C. for this amount of time and get this and this degree and go to this grad school (fyi - when you say it repeatedly, “this” becomes a weird word)…..and the whole time her excitement was making me feel so very old. I was just like her when I was a sophomore! I had everything planned out years ahead of time. Then she asked me about my dreams and aspirations. I told her that I have the job that I’ve wanted to have for years and I’m pretty happy with it. The conversation suddenly went silent. There was sort of a “that’s it?!” look on her face, like I should have something more to say. I felt like I should elaborate in some way to make my life somehow more…important? Legitimate? I wanted to say something like, “but I plan to go to Nigeria to work at an orphanage and then after that I’m going to get my Masters at Stanford and then blah blah blah (insert really cool life things here).”

As an insecure 20-something going through the usual what-the-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life phase (well, more of a constant state of being than a phase), I realized that I’ve been feeling weird lately because I’m no longer looking for the next thing to do. School is just a period of time where you wait for real life and since I’m not in school anymore, I’m in real life and I’m not waiting anymore. This sensation is so weird and new. I’ve been in school for 17 years and I don’t really know how to act now that it’s over. My immediate reaction is to apply to grad school and postpone the inevitable. Everybody’s doing it, so I probably should too. But I am basically happy with my job and that’s a really good thing. I’m not saying I am completely satisfied at all times and have no desire to do anything else, but I am essentially happy at the moment with my professional life (personal life aside). I think it just feels strange not to be applying for something or studying for some enormous test.

Maybe I am just paranoid (and that is probably the case because she was a really nice girl), but I felt like this girl was thinking, “I’m not going to be like her, I am going to do great things.” But I wanted to say to her, “I AM doing great things!” She might have all these grand plans, but are a thousand amazing dreams better than one? Her excitement annoyed me. I wanted to tell her to chill out, but then why would I want to squash such happy (if naïve) optimism? I’m not Scrooge and I’m not bitter……but everything that I’ve typed so far would suggest that I am bitter. I am mad at her optimism and he 5-year plan and her plans to go abroad.

So I guess what I am saying is that maybe this conversation disturbed me so much because I’m not as happy with my job as I initially thought. Or maybe I am happy, but I’m just feeling restless because I’ve been trained (throughout my time in school) to constantly search for the next project (“on to the next club!” Corey would say). I don’t know, but I’m still thinking about it.